Date: Sun., Oct. 27, 1996
From: John T. Halley
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yes, its true, i was abandoned shortly after birth by my natural parents (an opera singing iron worker from detroit and a chronic cakebaker/pinball junkie he shacked up with for a while) when they were on holiday in antarctica. they threw me overboard from their cruise ship because they thought babies were weird. luckily for me, i landed on an iceburg and was soon taken in by a pair of penguins who, sadly, were unable to have children of their own. they loved me as one of their own for three weeks, but soon realised that they hated me and shipped me off to canadato a family of smelts that owed them a favor. while the smelts found me to be an inadequate example of a life form, the feelings of guilt they experienced due to their debt to the penguins compelled them to put up with me for almost six years. during this time I learned the subtle complexities of smelt society, learned to urinate, and even memorized the intricate dorsal fin-sniffing ritual of the sacred hen-teasing day festival. at teh tender age of 6, my smelt family told me that my destiny was to go and live among the bipedal halley clan, pass myself off as one of them, and grow to manhood so that I could learn the ways of man and how to scratch my bottom in mixed company without giving offense. this i have done, yet one day i shall return to my smelt brothers and lead the great smelty rebellion against humanity. i just wanted you to know the truth about me once and for all.
signed,
Oceanus smeltus uber alles
(john incubator halley)
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1 comment:
I was hoping you would never find out about this
We did love you as one of our own The halley's
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